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Five Tips for Divorced Parents Who Want the Best for Their Kids
Mercer Island, WA
Monday, July 26, 2010
Dr. Vicki Rackner
Video Clip: Click to Watch
You may experience anger, anxiety, sadness and fear after your divorce.
Your kids experience the same feelings. Unlike you, however, your kids lack the adult resources needed to fix adult problems. And divorce is an adult problem.
Here are some ideas that will help your kids grow up to be resilient, resourceful adults who are able to fix adult problems.
Keep their love cup full. Remind your kids how much you love them. For the kids who love hearing the three magic words, ask, "How many times would you like me to tell you today I love you?" Other ways of saying "I love you" include hugs, little gifts, serving their favorite meal or spending five minutes focusing all your attention on them as you play catch.
Tell them it's not their fault. Children are like the sun, and it's not just because they bring light into our lives; they also think the universe revolves around them. Assume they will make your divorce about them, and offer preemptive messages. "It's very sad we can't all live together any more, but Mommy and Daddy's divorce has nothing to do with anything you said or did." Break any potential link your child may make between a regretful encounter and the divorce. "You felt bad when you broke the vase, but it has nothing to do with Daddy moving out."
You can warn your kids that you might not be at your parenting best. If you snap at them, offer an apology, even if it's days or weeks later. If kids ask, "Are you mad at me?" say, "No. I'm grumpy today. It has nothing to do with anything you did or said."
Let them have and express their feelings. Kids of all ages get glad, mad, sad, and scared. Your emotional coaching--helping the kids identify their feelings and acting on them--is tremendously helpful. If kids can't tell you how they're feeling, play the guessing game. "Let me guess. Are you mad?" Do not worry about implanting feelings they don't have. It doesn't happen.
Remind them that the best way to get rid of the bad feeling is to get it out. "No one likes feeling mad. Remember when you had a sliver and it hurt? We got it out and you felt better. Let's get the mad out."
Know that these conversations will often emerge on their own timetable, and they often happen in the car. Be ready to listen.
Identify a safe adult the kids can call. Maybe it's a school counselor, a teacher, or one of your friends. Everyone needs someone to talk to, and you might not be available. Or maybe they want to talk about you!
Be the strong adult, and let the kids be kids. Offer strong adult leadership with optimism about your ability to handle whatever happens. Tell the truth in a kind way with words and ideas that are appropriate for a child's developmental level. Healthy boundaries make for healthy children. You can always say, "Mommy's worried about an adult problem, and she'll fix it.'" Hopefully you and your ex can agree to avoid parent bashing. Children hear negative comments about their parents as negative comments about themselves.
Say to yourself and your kids-- even if you don't believe it at first: "Every problem has a solution, and we'll find it." Remind them that the adults will solve the adult problems. Their job is to be a kid.
Remember your kids are watching you. Your actions--not your words--are like their how-to lesson plans. You're showing them by example how to bounce back from life's adversities. The more skilled you are at remaining optimistic and demonstrating resilience, the better off your kids will be for a lifetime.
Want more ideas about healthy living after a divorce? Go ti www.DivorcingDivas.info where you can sign up for free articles and videos. Vicki Rackner MD-- a former surgeon who coaches people who want to cultivate "The Healthy Mindset" leading to healthy bodies, healthy families and healthy communities--is a contributing member.
Your kids experience the same feelings. Unlike you, however, your kids lack the adult resources needed to fix adult problems. And divorce is an adult problem.
Here are some ideas that will help your kids grow up to be resilient, resourceful adults who are able to fix adult problems.
Keep their love cup full. Remind your kids how much you love them. For the kids who love hearing the three magic words, ask, "How many times would you like me to tell you today I love you?" Other ways of saying "I love you" include hugs, little gifts, serving their favorite meal or spending five minutes focusing all your attention on them as you play catch.
Tell them it's not their fault. Children are like the sun, and it's not just because they bring light into our lives; they also think the universe revolves around them. Assume they will make your divorce about them, and offer preemptive messages. "It's very sad we can't all live together any more, but Mommy and Daddy's divorce has nothing to do with anything you said or did." Break any potential link your child may make between a regretful encounter and the divorce. "You felt bad when you broke the vase, but it has nothing to do with Daddy moving out."
You can warn your kids that you might not be at your parenting best. If you snap at them, offer an apology, even if it's days or weeks later. If kids ask, "Are you mad at me?" say, "No. I'm grumpy today. It has nothing to do with anything you did or said."
Let them have and express their feelings. Kids of all ages get glad, mad, sad, and scared. Your emotional coaching--helping the kids identify their feelings and acting on them--is tremendously helpful. If kids can't tell you how they're feeling, play the guessing game. "Let me guess. Are you mad?" Do not worry about implanting feelings they don't have. It doesn't happen.
Remind them that the best way to get rid of the bad feeling is to get it out. "No one likes feeling mad. Remember when you had a sliver and it hurt? We got it out and you felt better. Let's get the mad out."
Know that these conversations will often emerge on their own timetable, and they often happen in the car. Be ready to listen.
Identify a safe adult the kids can call. Maybe it's a school counselor, a teacher, or one of your friends. Everyone needs someone to talk to, and you might not be available. Or maybe they want to talk about you!
Be the strong adult, and let the kids be kids. Offer strong adult leadership with optimism about your ability to handle whatever happens. Tell the truth in a kind way with words and ideas that are appropriate for a child's developmental level. Healthy boundaries make for healthy children. You can always say, "Mommy's worried about an adult problem, and she'll fix it.'" Hopefully you and your ex can agree to avoid parent bashing. Children hear negative comments about their parents as negative comments about themselves.
Say to yourself and your kids-- even if you don't believe it at first: "Every problem has a solution, and we'll find it." Remind them that the adults will solve the adult problems. Their job is to be a kid.
Remember your kids are watching you. Your actions--not your words--are like their how-to lesson plans. You're showing them by example how to bounce back from life's adversities. The more skilled you are at remaining optimistic and demonstrating resilience, the better off your kids will be for a lifetime.
Want more ideas about healthy living after a divorce? Go ti www.DivorcingDivas.info where you can sign up for free articles and videos. Vicki Rackner MD-- a former surgeon who coaches people who want to cultivate "The Healthy Mindset" leading to healthy bodies, healthy families and healthy communities--is a contributing member.
Vicki Rackner MD FACS
Mercer Island, WA
425-451-3777
