Downers Grove, IL

Friday, August 12, 2011

 

     Let me start this week with a question. What goes up and down and up and down so fast that it makes your stomach churn? No, it's not a malfunctioning elevator, it's not a slinky on an escalator, and it's not Lady Gaga. It's the stock market and I want to know what in the names of Dow and Jones is going on?

     It all started when Standard and Poor's downgraded America's rating from AAA to AA+. When that news got out, the market started its roller coaster ride in a handbasket. I don't know what is making the market react like a yo-yo in a windstorm but I want to know who gave these Standard and Poor people the authority to downgrade us.

     Think about it. This company admits right in their name to being both standard and poor and I don't think they have the right to judge others. Maybe if they were successful and rich but not standard and poor.

     Plus, S&P is an American company so why the heck are they peeing on the hand that feeds them? Downgrade France or Iceland if you have to downgrade somebody, but leave your homies alone.

As crazy as it has been on Wall St. this week, it was even crazier in other places. Here then, are the craziest.

     A 27-year-old man in Chandler, Arizona was tucking a pistol into the waistband of his pants when the gun went off. He shot himself through the wiener and the bullet lodged in his leg. This had to hurt, but to make matters worse, the gun in question belonged to his girlfriend and is bright pink in color. It's bad enough shooting yourself in the wiener, but to do it with the Barbie Glock is is really embarrassing. He also admitted to using an EZ Bake Oven to cook meth.

     Officials at the Pittsburg Zoo announced this week that they will soon be opening North America's first elephant sperm bank. That surprised me. I would have thought elephant sperm banks would be as popular as Starbucks in North America but apparently they are pretty darn rare.

     The zoo hopes to be able to breed elephants in Pittsburg instead of capturing them in Africa and shipping them over seas, citing the FedEx costs as "excessive."

     Through "Project Frozen Dumbo", the zoo will be getting elephant sperm from Africa and using it to inseminate elephants at the zoo. This all sounds like a good idea but who's the poor guy over in Africa who has the job of collecting the samples to send over? And how exactly does he do it? It probably involves a gigantic test tube, dressing up like Hannibal, and reading racy stories about Jumbo and Babar.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Wilfredo Gonzalez-Cruz is a handyman in suburban Chicago who was called to remodel a home in Cicero. While he was working in the bathroom, the woman of the house came in looking for the ring she left on the sink and noticed it gone. She asked Wilfredo if he took it and after a lengthy argument, he admitted that he had the ring in his shoe. Then, he removed the ring from his shoe and promptly swallowed it. Police were called, an x-ray was taken, and Wilfredo spent some time alone at the jail after he was given copious laxatives. Eventually the ring reappeared. It was picked up on the end of a long stick and returned to the owner who sent it to be cleaned, re-cleaned, and then thrown away.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695