Downers Grove, IL

Friday, July 15, 2011

 

I have been feeling powerless all week because I haven't had any power. A huge storm blew in here on Monday and took down trees and power lines. As of this writing, the power is still out and I am here to tell you that being powerless sucks.

It's bad enough that I have had to drink warm beer and cold coffee, but there's no TV for crying out loud. No music, no commercials, no America's Got Talent, no news. I has actually been quite peaceful.

Whenever these power outages happen, I am forced to realize what the Amish have to go through every day. They never have electricity. After my struggle this week, I have gained empathy for our brothers and sisters of the carriage and want to help them. So as soon as I get power back, I am going to form a foundation to get power for the Pennsylvania Dutch. I'm going to call it "Amps For The Amish" and hope to raise enough money that these people can build their own nuclear power plant. More to come.

A lack of electricity has not kept me from tracking down the oddest stories in this week's news.

INJURY, MEET INSULT

There is an old saying that if you scorn a woman, she will come back to kick your ass. I'm not sure if that is the exact phrasing, but it was demonstrated with vigor in Southern California this week.

Christine Becker and her husband are going through a divorce and it was getting ugly. After an argument, she drugged her husband and when he fell asleep, she severed his Anthony Wiener. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, she tossed Mr. Johnson in the garbage disposal! Police cleaned out the disposal in the hopes of finding Mr. Becker's bonker but only found shards of it. Doctors fashioned a new willy out of the parts found in the disposal along with bits of carrot and potato.

SHE FAILED TO SEE THE POINT

In Springfield, New Jersey, Kathleen Shearn is under arrest for aggravated assault and criminal mischief. Kathleen and her husband were arguing (I don't know what they were arguing about but rumor has it that "Snookie" is involved.) and pretty soon they started to break things inside the home, just like you see in the movies. One thing led to another and Kathy hit her husband over the head with a "basket of pocketknives." Who the hell has a basket of pocketknives?

Pocket knives are kept in your pocket, hence the name. And baskets are usually meant for laundry, waste, or Easter. But a basket full of knives?

And if you were having a fight, and you had convenient access to a bunch of knives, why wouldn't you open them up before you threw them?

The moral of this story is, "Don't put all of your pocket knives in one basket. And don't put a basket of knives any place your ticked-off wife can find them."

MORE THAN A BOWLING BALL

A big Friday Funnies' congratulations to Janet Johnson of Longview, Texas who gave birth to her son JaMichael this week. The birth may have taken all week because JaMichael came into the world at 16 POUNDS 1 OUNCE! A regulation bowling ball only weighs 16 pounds and I cannot imagine one coming out of another human being, but a team of doctors with a winch, lifted JaMichael out by cesarean section. What's really hard to believe is that this is not the biggest baby on record.

That honor belongs to a woman in Ohio who gave birth to a 23 pound 12 ounce baby in 1879! The next day she shot her husband.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695