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Fourth of July Funnies For Stress Relief
Downers Grove, IL
Friday, July 01, 2011
Today is July 1st. The year is now half over and what do we have to show for it? Well, we've got a national debt that grows every day; an economy that isn't growing at all; and gasoline prices that are outgrowing our ability to pay them. It's a feel-good time of the year but it could be worse. You could be Rod Blagojevich. The former governor if Illinois was found guilty this week on 17 counts of corruption that could send him to prison for 300 years. His lawyers are trying to cut a deal whereby Rod would only have to do a couple of years in prison but then he would surrender his hair to do the rest of the time. It's a proud legacy we have in Illinois where the Fifth Amendment is written into the oath of office. And while we're on the subject of politicians gone wild, Anthony Weiner may not be in the headlines, but he's always worth mocking in the Friday Funnies in (Weiner Corner) This week I received a submission from Mark Mayfield of Tucson, AZ who penned the following limerick... There once was a weirdo named Weiner If you have any Weiner-relevant jokes, poems, limericks, or odes, send them to me and we can have1Weiner Corner every week. Who had a perverted demeanor Got kicked off the Hill For acting like Bill Now Congress is one wiener leaner LACTOSE INTOLERANCE In Delaware, Ohio, 30-year-old Stephanie Robinette was confronted by police who were responding to a domestic dispute call at a wedding reception. She was battling with her husband and when police arrived they found her sitting in the passenger seat of her car. When they tried to get Stephanie out of the car, she refused saying that she was a breast feeding mother. Then to emphasize her point, she then pulled out her breast and sprayed officers with her milk. This was a shock to me because I didn't know you could shoot that stuff with any accuracy. Now that I know you can it is clear to me why God didn't give men breasts. In addition to wasting all day playing with them, I envision breast milk fights in the locker room. DUDE, WHERE'S MY GUN? Here's something you don't see every day. In Seattle, passersby spotted a Seattle Police car parked on the street with an AK-47 police rifle lying on the trunk. No police were inside the car and none were in the area, apparently out looking for their lost gun. Other policemen on bicycles were notified and they waited for the officers to return. How come we never hear of a Brinks truck leaving their money sitting on the hood of the truck? "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, WAL-MART?" Trevor Smith walked into a K-Mart store in Louisville, Kentucky and started to exhibit "odd and erratic behavior". This was probably due to the fact that he was high on Xanax. Xanax is normally used to treat anxiety attacks and I don't know how much of the stuff Trevor took, but when police arrived, he was anything but anxious. He was so relaxed that he took off all of his clothes and ran through the store. Police caught the naked man after they lost sight of him in the home furnishings department where he disappeared among the other dried arrangements. (rim shot) APOCALYPSE WATCH - 112 DAYS AND COUNTING In Columbus, Ohio, the Freedom From Religion Foundation put up a billboard promoting atheism. Ironically, the billboard was located on property owned by Christ Cathedral Church and the church is not a big fan of atheists so they complained and the billboard was taken down. My big question here is what exactly do the atheists have to promote? If you are an atheist, you get no religious holidays, no Christmas presents, no Easter eggs, no church picnics, and you have no one to call out to when you're having sex. In exchange, you get to sleep in on Sunday morning which most believers do anyhow. Dale Irvin
Professional Summarizer
Downers Grove, IL
630-852-7695
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